Chattanooga Market Opening Weekend

Happy States

Just found this article from Andrew Sullivan's blog (love him). It shows each state and their "Well-Being Index".

Not shocking: West Virginia has the lowest "Well-Being Index". Utah has the highest well-being index. I think this map finally proves that money does buy happiness.

Doppleganger Week on Facebook

I'm not really sure what governing body down at Facebook decides what "week" it is, but they've pronounced it "Doppleganger Week" this week. Everyone else on Facebook has very flattering celebrity twins (except for the guy that looks like Bill Gates).

This is to whom I'm frequently compared (usually in Mississippi):

Don't get me wrong, I obviously love Eudora Welty so much I feel like we're connected in the universe somehow. But, let's just say it, the woman didn't win a Pulitzer based on her looks.

Here is who I wish people would compare me to:

I'm going to start this. I'm going to start telling everyone else that "all my friends" think I look like Gwyneth. (Would that ironically make me Mrs. Elton from Emma?) Maybe I will start to look and magically dress like her by the power of the collective mind!

Little Gossip Girl on the Prairie

Monday is my favorite day of the week. Monday mornings, I indulge in a vanilla latte and Monday evenings, I go to a very relaxing yoga class and come home to watch my guilty pleasure: Gossip Girl. Tonight, I nestle into my blanket with my comfy clothes on, flip on the TV and am confronted with Michael Landon. I flipped the channels, thinking "Who's the idiot that changed the channel lineup on my exact favorite day of TV watching?!!" Then I see the CW logo. Correct channel...waaaaay incorrect cast of characters. Thank god I figured out what was going on before I got confused, starting thinking pinafores were "in" on the Upper West Side and wore a bonnet to work tomorrow. Whew. Fashion crisis averted.

Instead of showing the episode we've all been waiting for (who's the trollop that has a threesome?? Well, at least two trollops in this situation, I guess) the Chattanooga CW has chosen to air a very special Little House on the Prairie where one son decides against going to the big city to go to college to help out on the farm. Let me get this straight, CW...your message is that college=threesomes and sin, so we shouldn't go at all and instead stay home to work on the farm? Really? Really? No, REALLY???

For the interested: The alleged semi-pornographic Gossip Girl episode will be airing at 11PM...just in time for anyone going to high school and/or those of us who are old but hip (which is the target demographic for Gossip Girl) to be in bed. The CW Chattanooga better be tickled to death that TiVo exists or they'd have a sleepy, and consequently grumpy, little blonde girl sending them a nasty letter on this matter. The letter may have potentially dissolved into a parody mash-up of Gossip Girl and Little House. "Caught: Ellie May delivering a litter of kittens unsupervised with Billy Bob. Me-ow! You know you love me, XX Gossip Girl"

NaNoWriMo

I'm only 8% finished with my "novel" for National Novel Writing Month (I should be 25% finished, in case you're wondering). I'm going to refer to this as a "novel" with quotations because the writing is so crappy, I would prefer to lean on irony in this situation.

Writing is, like, really hard. I may never make fun of the Twilight lady again. Well, that's a lie. Reading is like watching those tiny gymnasts in the summer Olympics. It looks fun and they make it look so easy, but it should be clearly left to the professionals.

I am determined to reach the 50,000 word count for several reasons. The big one is that I am known in most circles as the "Girl That Doesn't Finish Anything". So, I'd like to prove to myself that just because I or others label me one way, doesn't mean that I have to live by that (or let myself off the hook on things becuase 'that's how I am'). That's a big shift in your perspective to stop labeling yourself. You'd think it would be freeing, but it's really terrifying because you are holding yourself to a higher standard. And that sucks, so I'm thinking about going back to the labeling thing...high standards make me uncomfortable.

Okay, going back to my story now. I don't want to waste any witty sentences on here. Or even crappy sentences. Crappy sentence fragments count just as much as a well-crafted verse. Thank God.

King of the Crown

My new favorite show is "King of the Crown" which combines several of my favorite things (pageants, gay men, sparkles, ruthless judgment) in one neat 30-minute package. I had a glass(es) of vino and settled in to watch last night. El vino and veritas did flow. I've decided I need to get a part-time job as a pageant judge. I love judging people! Or I could get back into the pageant circuit to finally win that crown that I was too skinny, pale and frightened-looking to get when I was an awkward pre-teen. Vengeance!

The biggest decision a little pageant participant has to make is what to do for the talent portion. You are limited to talents which can be displayed on stage in two minutes or less. It's a little unfair to the writers, visual artists and marathon runners. A sure way to make up for your stiff, panicked "beauty" event and/or answering any interview question with the answer "Zelda Fitzgerald" (Oh, yes I did) is to have a combo talent. Like singing and dancing. Gymnastics and dancing. Pretty much anything combined with dancing. Here are some other helpful suggestions:

1. Jazz dancing in the manner of Bob Fosse and reciting the last 30 World Series winners (the judges will never know if you're getting them right, trust me)
2. Pole Dancing and Poetry Reading. ("Because I could not stop for death, he kindly stopped for me...")
3. Operatic singing an episode of the Hills ("Liiiiiiike, ")
4. Dramatic Monologue and Karate. (May I suggest a scene from the classic film "3 Ninjas"?)
5. Dirty Limerick recitation and Ballet en Pointe

Metaphors My Favorite Yoga Instructor Used In Class Today

1. "Your pelvis. It is a snail."
2. "I am pulling you by your tail."
3. "Your shoulders are water wheels."
4. "Your spine is a deep well."
5. "Feet like jellyfish!"
6. "Make your legs heavy like plates of steak and potato."
7. "Shake your glutes like Jello" (That one I get)